Here’s a bullshit statistic (although a pretty accurate one) that I want to share with you all based on my track record with the opposite sex: Roughly 60% of the first dates you go on will not make it past date one or two. And as much effort as some of us put into looking and smelling good and brushing up on our conversational skills, it’s disheartening that the majority of that time is wasted. And if this sounds depressing, that’s because it is, especially if you’re seeking some kind of steady relationship in one of its many forms.
For the sake of argument, I’m going to use my current dating life as an example. Within the past three months, I’ve gone on five first dates and out of those, only two of them led to a second one. Out of those two, just one of them really seemed promising, if only for the short-term–and boy, was I wrong. I’ll get to that later on, though.
So, for all my millenials who are fighting like hell to stay afloat in these highly unpredictable modern dating streets–also, for the others who are patiently waiting at the sidelines, contemplating if it’s all even worth the trouble–I want to inform you of the five guys you will or already have gone out on dates with and why, for the most part, you should steer clear of them. (And yes, all of them are unfortunately the ones I mentioned previously.)
1. The “I Decided to Take a Break From Dating” Guy
This one’s tricky, because you won’t truly know that he wants to take a break from dating until he goes out with you more than once. And you’ll be completely blindsided by his abrupt decision to swear off women for an extended period of time, mainly due to the fact that he had told you how much he liked you and wanted to continue seeing you on more than one occasion. Most likely, texts from him early on read something like the following:
After the first date:
He’s reassuring me that we actually did hit it off, despite a couple painfully awkward silences that happened. I could see this going somewhere.
After the second date:
Oh, snap! Now he’s asking what my plans are so that he can sneak his way into my schedule? Alright!
Aww, how cute! After reading this text, I can’t even front; I got those tiny little bastards, also know as butterflies, in my stomach. Dammit.
And then BAM!
Wait wait wait wait–hold up. Come again? Didn’t he tell me just a week ago that he couldn’t wait to see me? Am I missing something or nah?
And just like that, it’s all over. He’ll give you no opportunity to state your case or express your point of view on the matter. You will replay your previous dates in your head and try to uncover any red flags that may have been raised, but you will find nothing. It’s clear that this guy was seriously confused and had no idea what the hell he was doing with himself. He was also only considering his own feelings and didn’t care about how you felt, which also makes him selfish and immature. It will make absolutely no sense and you won’t even try to understand the craziness. It’s not meant to be understood, really, you just need to take this experience and put it behind you. Like, way, way, way behind you.
2. The Super Passionate Musician Who’s Strictly “DTF”
Let’s be real: the only reason why you swiped right on his Tinder profile is because the majority of his pictures consisted of him strumming a guitar. I mean, the passion just oozed through your iPhone and you couldn’t resist sending him a message. His obscure, one-sentence bio also added an air of mystery to him. You guys exchange numbers and schedule a date and time for your first date. It’ll be at some cool dive bar of some sort or a jazz joint, and he’ll tell you all about the album that made him want to be a musician, which will then prompt you to divulge all of your favorite musical artists.
From this conversation, you will develop a strong connection with him and it’ll be mostly physical, which you have no problem with. You two might even have an intense make-out session, where he’ll stare longingly into your eyes. You will find this a little creepy and weird because, uh, it’s only the first date. But you go along with it anyway. But once you draw the line somewhere, he puts a stop to you guys’ fun.
Then after a week or so, you don’t hear from him. You’ll text him to see how he’s doing and he’ll come up with some lame excuse (like “I’m a bad texter” or “I got a flat tire”) as to why he hasn’t been in contact with you. You will never hear from him again and this experience will cause you to tread extremely lightly with musicians.
3. The Twentysomething Who’s Strictly “DTF”
He’s recently single and oh-so ready to mingle. (And by mingle, I mean f*ck.) But he won’t tell you any of his true intentions upfront. Instead, he’ll try to reel you in with his charm and wit on the first date and he’ll succeed. However, once he makes a major move on you and you shamelessly shut him down, he’ll cut you off with the quickness. Welp, another one bites the dust, right?
4.The Guy Who Has a Physical Trait That Turns You Off Completely
He has finger nails that are longer than yours and no matter how hard you try to divert your attention from them, your eyes just can’t help themselves. It’ll be a turn off for obvious reasons and you won’t feel the least bit remorseful for stopping all communication with him. You also won’t care if your friends and family call you shallow; THE DUDE HAS LONG FINGERNAILS, Y’ALL.
5. The Thirtysomething Who is Still Hung Up on His Ex
Kind of like the guy who took a break from dating, the thirtysomething will make it seem as if he’s really interested in you and you’ll be really attracted to the fact that he’s lived on this earth a few years more than you have. Naturally, you’ll think that his mature age means that he’s, well, mature. And he’ll tell you all about his big-boy job, how burnt out he is from working tirelessly on some huge project that is way over your head, and how intrigued he is by your spunk and wide-eyed wonder of the world. Basically, he’s attracted to your youth, probably because it reminds him of easier times. But don’t let this admiration fool you. There’s something hiding behind his sexy, manly demeanor: his ex. Womp, womp, womp.
In my experience with this kind of guy, I was, yet again, completely blindsided (noticing a theme here, anyone?) by the feelings he told me he still had for his ex, which he informed me of via text. I happened to ask him why he was hitting me up after going a week without reaching out, something that I encourage all individuals to do, because that shit is just not cool, bro. But the moral of this story is to be very weary of older men. Just because they’re a few years your senior doesn’t mean they know what they want romantically. Oftentimes, you have your priorities in order more so than they do in many respects.